Tuesday, April 20

My thoughts Tonight....

I see my life as a blank page from the past where too much has already been scribbled on by the so called destiny, or god or whatever one calls it, and is written in such a fashion that no two sentences make sense together.

I see myself as a frail rot, someone who dreamt dreams in galore waiting for them to relish one by one but are still jammed in to embark one.

My pals feel the kind of work and life I have is very uncommon and not everyone is lucky enough to have one. But I hate myself for this messed up, transitory but long lasting moment, this life I live, which looks perky and luxurious but quite precarious and extinct from within.

Ironically, knowing all the facts and still pursuing this life has not only become too monotonous but quite mechanized obsession for me. I characterize myself for being nothing less to a ZOMBIE!!!

I know about this and yet I cannot change it. It’s not I don’t try; it’s just that I fail before I even try.

Is it the dissatisfaction feel I get in whatever I do, is it I am not interested in doing what I do, or is it the relativity of the name, money that either the society or I seeks to sink into my brain when I compare myself to my acquaintances for the kind of life they live and envy about it, is it something inexplicable but predictable about the whole situation which urges me to scribble tonight. Whatever it is, it’s like a termite that just wants to eat me in and out!!!

Every night before I go to sleep, a haunted cord strikes telling me about the moth life I posses wherein I get slowly pushed to the negative radiance of “meaningless life”. I do not struggle to fight back for the survival instead be a defeated warrior who lost the battle long before it got started.

I pour all my thoughts here because, sometimes I feel, I stammer to say all this to others and do not expect someone to listen about all this. So the bottom line still remains the same, that, “no matter where I am, what I am doing, I am still waiting to smell real SATISFACTION!!!”

Read what happened when i met William and his family in South Africa here.
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